Category: Uncategorized

Bunch of guys in Maine go ice fishing, and one invites a geology professor from the college. They are standing around the hole they’ve cut, and one says the ice must be two feet thick. The geology professor tells them, “You know, back in the ‘glacier days,’ the ice here was more than a mile high.” They look up and down, think it over, and finally one says, “A mile high, huh?.. But just over the lake, right?”

Tell someone a 100%, absolutely, true story.. no one will believe a word of it. But tell a preposterous made-up fable, imagined purely from your mind, devoid of any facts.. and folks will conclude it must be true! (:.. ps- fact and fiction, they are the devil’s brew! While my buddy’s fav expression was – “that’s no word of a lie”.. and man, he could spin a yarn! “Not buying it, sir.”  – concludes the master, Bill O’Reilly

When I worked at the greyhound race track, I liked the sound of metal on metal as the mechanical hare swung around the track on its rail. Just like us, chasing the American Dream, the dogs will run as long as they can see the rabbit. The operator has to adjust the hare’s speed, so all dogs have a clear view. Rabbit too slow, front dogs see it’s fake.. rabbit too fast, dogs in back lose sight.. and stop running!

For a while I hit a poetry open-mic, which welcomed original songs, but I would also try my hand at poetry, in a magical-realist style. This poem is about telling a beautiful woman she is your “muse,” and her telling you she is not!
I Lost All My Poems by frank martyn
I lost all my poems
that I kept in my jacket pocket
because I lost the jacket
with my car keys in it
and walked
until I was too drunk to walk
I saw you riding on top of the bus
you pulled me up
and found the poems
in a locket around your neck
tiny pieces of paper
dotted needle points
All the poems about you
butterflies escaped your lips saying
I am not your poems
silly
that can’t be
poems cannot be love
love is big and
more than enough
poetry is what we say
if true it
flies away
nothing is gone
that’s the cost
poetry is always lost (:

A banjo and accordion duo gets a surprise gig, playing a house party on New Year’s Eve. The homeowner loves it, and asks if the two will play again, in one year, on the following New Year’s Eve! The duo is excited, but has one small request.. “Is it OK if we leave our instruments here?”

I did a few jazzy piano gigs with a “Coleman Hawkins style” Sax player, and one time he tricked me into booking a bar where he’d been banned. When I arrived he was already arguing heatedly, with the bartender, and his nemesis bar-buddy, generally “rubbing all their noses in it.” He could not be thrown out he claimed because, by right, he was officially booked. The bartender didn’t agree, but was stuck, saying, “Fine, then, get to work.” His bar-buddy called out, “Good, I hope you guys make a million!” The Sax player mumbled over his shoulder, “Yeah, a million mistakes..” And true to his word, with every wrong note he hit, intentional or not, he shot an elbow-point toward his rival.

I was just inside the door of the Last Call Saloon when I saw a scuffle near the stage. Three large bouncers muscled through the crowd and emerged holding a very thin gent, high in the air, as if floating above. He had a “help me” look, in his eyes, as he was launched out the door.. At that point, a woman screamed, “That’s not the guy!” The 3 bouncers pushed back toward the stage, and returned this time carrying a much larger fellow, whose crazed-look left little doubt.. he was “the guy.” The dazed, thin gent wandered back in and out, several times, expecting something to happen, but the bouncers averted their eyes, pretending they couldn’t see him..

Not all family traditions are trusty treasures.. like waiting ’til it’s “hot enough” to put the air conditioners in! phew.. LOL

Due to a series of lucky breaks and administrative errors, I was accepted to play college football my freshman year, as wide receiver. It was a ridiculous blast, although a “one year and out” proposition. Occasionally, we’d party “as a team,” and I noticed something.. The prettier the girls at a party got, the stupider the guys got. I mention this only because I see a similar trend happening in cable TV news, as women news anchors get continually more and more attractive! (:

I got a good role in a college musical mainly because no one else could sing this very fast, silly “patter song.” So now.. if I’m stuck for ideas, I ask, “What can do that most people can’t?”